I wrote this in my journal on January 16, the night before our 20 week ultrasound appointment.
As Ben and I laid in bed, talking the other night before we
fell asleep, our conversation turned towards the near future. Where we’ll live,
what things will look like, can we make a two-bedroom work, the latest plans
for the new company, etc… As the conversation slowed and we got closer to
sleep, I rolled over and said, “let’s find out the gender on Friday…we have
enough unknowns in life right now.”
We both laughed. And agreed. And that was
that.
That was what pushed me into the “finding out camp.”
Up until that moment, while I was at times very eager to
know the gender of our baby, I really wanted to wait until s/he was born to
find out. It seemed like a fun surprise. I like surprises. Plus, it seemed like it'd make the delivery room more... exciting. (as if it needs more excitement?) One tiny bit of fun through all
that pain.
In the end, the desire for something known outweighed all that.
And so, our decision was made.
It’s a silly thing to decide about really. I mean,
eventually you find out anyway. And, I’m sure I’ve spent too much time thinking
about whether or not we should find out the gender of this baby at our ultrasound.
But, less silly, is the human desire for the known.
We long to know. To be certain. To have something to hold on
to. As I thought about this in the car the other day, I was almost moved to
tears. Perhaps this piece of our human nature – this piece that
desires something or Someone we can be sure of – was placed in our hearts by
our Maker, who knew that if we searched long and hard enough, we would find
That which we were looking for all along without even knowing it. And when we
find it, or rather Him, our hearts are finally at peace.
Finally, we get it. We get what we were created for.
Circumstances may remain the same – uncertain and shaky – in
fact, that we will experience uncertainty in this life is quite certain.
And yet, in the midst of all the unknown, we can hold on to
He who is faithful and steadfast. An anchor in the stormy seas. A firm
foundation beneath my feet. He who loves with an everlasting love. And we can know. And be known.
And our longings are fulfilled.
And so that is where I am. Maybe you are there too. Take
heart – He knows. And we can know too.
While I’ve resolved to plant my feet upon the Rock in
the midst of the all the unknowns, we are still going to find out the gender of
this baby. Because sometimes, it’s nice to have one other little thing to know.
Unless of course, s/he is quite modest and hides. J
