TBT

In honor of "throw back thursday" (a social media trend I very much enjoy, by the way)...

we had an early ultrasound to date the pregnancy with Addie.

our little grain of rice/ baby

a few weeks after we found out we were pregnant, Ben and I went on a road trip to Arizona with his parents and brothers. 

Well, the other night, I woke up with some intense contractions. They were strong & frequent for a couple of hours. I was just past 36 weeks pregnant, and while my first baby came 10 days early, I would have been quite surprised if we were heading to the hospital 4 weeks early! Since I couldn't sleep anyway, I figured I'd better rummage around and at least get a list for those hospital bags :) Eventually, the contractions died down and I went back to sleep. But over the past couple days, I've tried to track down some of our newborn stuff from Addie. That might not sound difficult since it's not even been a year and a half yet, but we've lived in 3 places since she was born, so it was easier said than done.

As I ran some tiny newborn clothes through the laundry, my memory was flooded with the very fuzzy visions of those first weeks of motherhood. Though almost nothing is clear, I do have a couple vivid memories.

I remember the euphoria I felt when I heard her cry and they placed her on my chest. And I remember a few precious moments after everything settled down. everyone left the room. It was just the 3 of us. My family. [Yes, Ben is wearing his shirt that says "I <3 Renee Cook."]

I remember almost nothing else from our hospital stay except being so so so tired. and waking up with every peep she made. Both nights I reluctantly asked the nurses to take her into the nursery. Both nights they did, and brought her back for me to nurse her every few hours. They always said she slept soundly. I remember feeling guilty for sending her away since she had slept so soundly. But I didn't know how to sleep with her in the room.

I remember buckling Addie into her carseat, ready to leave the hospital. The nurse commented that we didn't have socks on her even though it was December 31. Woops.

I remember my mom snapping this photo after we got home from the hospital. It dawned on me that we hadn't even taken a photo just the 3 of us after she was born. (I had to 'crop' the midwife out of the one above!) Not sure why I still remember thinking about that. 

I remember many of our family coming over for the Husker bowl game. We wanted to visit with family, give everyone time to snuggle Addie & watch it together, but I couldn't muster up the energy to go to my inlaws' house where we had planned to watch it. So they came to us. I napped for a lot of it and everyone took turns holding Addie. :) 

One other thing I remember is the feeling of being completely overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed by the amount of pain my body was in.
Overwhelmed by exhaustion.
Overwhelmed by her not nursing well.
Overwhelmed by my emotions.
And overwhelmed by a new kind of love I had never experienced before.

A friend linked to this article on facebook the other day that seems to 'fit' in with all my pregnant rambling. I cried when I read it. Obviously.

Can't believe we get to do this again soon.
Here's to round 2!

On anxiety - part one.

2 months ago, I wrote about the 4 major life events we were tackling in about 3 weeks.
Well, the 3 weeks is here, folks. Last week, I flew from Boston to Omaha with miss Adelyn (and the help of my wonderful mother). Then, my main man finished up grad school, had a quick vacay with his parents and brothers who were visiting Boston, packed up our moving truck, and is driving as we speak.
alone.
from Boston, Massachusetts.
which is located on the Atlantic ocean.
to Omaha, Nebraska
which is 1444 miles from the Atlantic ocean.
pulling our car on an auto transport behind the truck.

This week, Lord willing, a few crucial things will come together and we'll make a decision about Ben's job. And maybe move into our new place. Or maybe that will be next week. Unless the baby arrives early. I'm 36 weeks and 3 days. So we'll squeeze in a birth sometimes in the next few weeks too.

When I wrote about all this back in March, I left something out because I hadn't processed it yet. But now, I can articulate it. I think.

Sometime in February-ish, an unprecedented level of anxiety began to creep into my soul. I say unprecedented because I don't really tend to be an anxious person. I'm pretty go-with-the-flow-it'll-all-work-out-and-when-possible-make-a-list-or-spreadsheet-to-figure-it-out. In fact, I didn't even know what to do with a persistent feeling of anxiety. But, all of the sudden, it seemed, a lot of uncertainty was piled up at once. a lot.
My lists weren't working.
And there was nothing to 'figure out.'
And I would find myself in the middle of the day, or night, feeling physically nervous. My heart would start racing, my mind wondering how everything would play out.

Have you been there? In the midst of heart-pounding-can't-sleep-so-many-questions-anxiety?
It's not fun. Everything seemed urgent and nothing seemed to have a solution. I needed to not feel like this. One morning, after a few minutes of waking up in the early morning hours, tossing and turning, trying to get back to sleep, I tiptoed (aka: rolled awkwardly like a huge pregnant whale & waddled) out of bed into the living room to pray. I didn't really know what to pray, but I asked the Lord to give me peace.
And this verse was brought to mind - "Do not be anxious about anything. But in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)
I'm not sure when I memorized that one, but there it was, coming up to the surface of my mind right when I needed it.

Do not be anxious about anything. [Ha! Like it's that easy! I thought]

The more I thought through it though, the more I realized that the verse doesn't just say "Do not be anxious about anything." If it ended there, it'd be up to me to muster up the willpower to just not be anxious.
But it doesn't end there.
And it wasn't up to me to just muster up a peaceful feeling.
The second part is even more helpful.

BUT, in everything, by prayer and supplication [asking], with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. 

At some point, it dawned on me that I actually needed to follow those instructions in order to experience the "peace of God that surpasses all understanding." However initially unsatisfying this 'to-do' appeared, this was the thing I could do. I could let my requests be made known to God. How easy it is to recite a verse over and over and not actually do what it says. Maybe God knew we'd be like that when he inspired James to write "Don't just listen to God's Word. Do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves." (James 1:22)

So, heart pounding in the early morning, full of anxiety, I started to do exactly that - let my requests be made known to God.
At first I couldn't even get the words out to pray for anything else. It was like I just didn't know what to say. All I could do was list the things that were producing anxiety.
And then, over time, I started asking for resolution & clarity. Asking for unity in decision-making with Ben. Breathing slowly, allowing the peace of God that surpasses understanding to wash over my heart and my mind.
And you know what? It worked. Just like God promised it would.

In everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Until 2 hours later when I started to remember all the things that were unresolved.
And so, like the instructions on a shampoo bottle - rinse and repeat.
Listing all my requests to God. Making them all known.
Of course, He already knew them. But something about the process of telling them to Him - casting all my anxieties onto him - something about doing what the Bible said to do... well, it worked.
Again.
And again.

So that's part one. We've learned a lot in the past year. And I've spent a lot of time processing it all these past weeks, hence the silence in blog-world. It was too much to write. Too hard to get the words out in any sensible fashion. I have approximately 12 posts started and left in draft form, foggy, unclear, unfinished. Slowly, though, I think it's coming to me. Bit by bit. And I'm eager to share it with you.

But for now, just one little part. On anxiety. And its desire to control you. Don't let it.

In those moments of fear, remember, there is a God who cares for you. YOU. As an individual.
He cares about your heart and your mind and your state of being.
He sees you awake at night, wondering how it'll all turn out.
And he says - tell me all your requests. give them all to me. my yoke is easy and my burden is light. i love you. i want to pour out my peace on you.
He says his peace will stand guard at the doors of your heart and mind. 
If only we would just let our requests be made known to Him.