Money management, budgeting, and other things that make you squirm.

I think the word 'budget' makes a lot of people squirm. It seems like there are a lot of guilts and pressures and stresses about money that run through people's minds when it comes up. Yet, we all handle money on a daily basis. It's necessary to function in our society. Jesus said a lot about it. Whether or not you think money affects you very much, I would suggest it does. 

I sometimes sense a bondage to money among people, and in myself. A feeling of letting money control my decision-making. And that is so backwards. WE should have control of our money, not let it control us. WE should be telling our money what to do, where to go, and how to behave. While you obviously need to provide food, shelter, and clothes for yourself (and your family), there is a lot of wiggle room in what that looks like. I know very few people who will say they feel like they have a handle on their finances. And with that uncertainty and tension comes stress. We've definitely experienced that feeling. It's not fun.

All that to say... Ben and I have a budget. A pretty strict budget, actually. Every month, we look at how much is coming in and what we need to spend and we assign a "job" to every dollar, so to speak. Right now, all the leftovers go to student loan payoffs.  

Over the past few weeks, I've written about each of my 2015 goals and I mentioned our one financial goal was to pay down about 25-33% of our student loan debt. It's a stretch for us. 

And to stretch and find the extra money for debt, it means we have to know where our money is going. 

Budgeting isn't really new for us, but it's working better for us now. I think we both knew we should have a budget when we got married, and we were generally on the same page about a lot of things, and still, it's taken us almost 5 years to find a system that works. 

We have tried a LOT of different things for our budget.

Mint.com

YNAB 

Excel spreadsheets 

pen and paper 

budgeting worksheets from different books and websites 

cash envelopes

doing the budget together

me doing it by myself 

having no budget [not a good idea] 

I feel like we are just finally getting the hang of what works for us. And even still, there are things we're tweaking pretty regularly. 

So, please do not think that by writing about this whole budgeting money thing, I'm suggesting this will solve all your financial conundrums, OR that we have it down and are really perfect at handling money. 

That is not it at all. But as we've gone through different things financially, we have so so so appreciated people who've spoken into our situation and said "this worked for me, "or "try this software, we really liked it," or "this book was really helpful to me."Most recently, a friend shared her budgeting spreadsheet with me and we switched over to it. It made way more sense and was way better than the one I had made previously. I keep getting the feeling that I should write about our budgeting and money-handling processes. Maybe it's because I know other people around me who are on a similar journey of working on money management, or maybe it's because something that people keep so private, or maybe it's because it's REALLY hard to manage money and the public accountability will keep me in line ;)

I think if you're going to be a good manager of money (or manager of anything for that matter), you have to be willing to evaluate and re-evaluate. To look at what's working and not working. To look closely and pay attention and have self-discipline. It takes energy and effort. 

And while a lot of banks and budgeting softwares and credit card companies would like to market to you that handling your money is as easy as 1-2-3 with their system, it's just not true. Because if it were easy to be good about handling money, then everyone would be doing it well. 

My goal is to embark on a little mini "series," if you will, where I share a things that have and haven't worked for us.

Where I share openly about why we do what we do and where we're at in our debt-paydown journey. (And why we're even paying it down!)

I want to share some financial miracles we've experienced, and some ways we've taken risks.

And, I just enjoy talking about home finances with people because I'm a HUGE nerd about this stuff.

At the end of the day, I want to accomplish 2 things by writing down all this money & budgeting stuff...
1. I hope it's helpful to someone
2. I'd love to hear from you (your tips & tricks, successes & failures, opinions & questions, etc...)

So, are you interested?
Any initial tips, tricks, success, failures, opinions, or questions to share? 

You know you're a stay at home mom when...

...the highlight of your day is a successful trip to Walmart with your kiddos.

Addie got to walk for a little bit (before she lost the privilege by forging ahead into forbidden territory). But overall, her walking or running beside the cart was a success. Emma was happy the whole time. No one cried or had to go to the bathroom. I didn't wait in the line (a miracle in and of itself) and the cashier didn't scoff at my price matching. BAM. Winning.

Aside from our sunshiny trip to Walmart, the rest of Monday was H-A-R-D. It was the first day back to normal life after a weekend getaway with Ben. The girls had a nice weekend with their grandparents and uncles (who are middle school-aged and super duper fun for our girls) but Monday, it was back to life with mean mommy. Jk. But seriously.

Both were up early & grumpy.
Addie had 3 meltdowns over nothing before 7:30.
Her stomach hurt because she resists pooping in the toilet and holds it in until she's constipated.
Both are teething and had short naps.
Not to mention - unpacking, laundry, and a disaster of a house. Which isn't a big deal, but a large of actual chaos and clutter doesn't help the high state of emotions either. And then, short naps.
Sleep deprived + high emotions + house of girls = not a good combo.

Funny how once you start being grumpy, it's pretty easy to get grumpier and grumpier! And I'm talking about me, not my 2 year old. Haha. Ben asked me the highlight of my day once the girls were in bed and I couldn't think of one. Then I realized - it was the Walmart trip. Walmart with 2 littles the highlight of my day? That's a first.

But then, my in-laws invited us to join them for dinner. No cooking? Grace.
And then, at the end of the day, I remembered, we had 20 minutes of bliss outside post-Walmart before nap time. More grace. My kids love to be outside.

Exhausted and ready for a new day I said to Ben, some days are really hard and I'm tempted by the idea of someone else doing all the hard stuff... but then I'd miss out on the good days too. 

As I write this, I'm reminded - His mercies are new every morning.
There's always tomorrow.

And guess what? Tuesday was great.
There were sweet moments and giggles galore.
There were more smiles than tears (which isn't always the case with a toddler).

A glimpse - playing together in Addie's room is a new morning tradition.

What's your favorite part? I love when Emma randomly starts shaking her head halfway through. She loves to show off her tricks. Also I like when Addie steals the egg and tries to put it in the pile of toys (she inherits some OCD-ness from her mother) and then Emma immediately looks for it and gets it back (she's very persistent).

I'm glad I didn't miss it.

2015 Goal #5 - Parenting

This the second to last post in a series about my 2015 goals. Here's the initial post about dreaming & goal-making. Here are the other categories I've made goals in: spiritual, physical, intellectual, social, financial, career.  

-----------------------------------------------

I've thought a lot about parenting goals. I spend most of my waking (and some of my sleeping) hours parenting. I mean, in one sense, if you have kids, you're always a parent. And whether or not you are home full time with your kids, you are obviously still parenting. a LOT. Being a parent is a big deal. It's a lot of responsibility. But by "spend most of my waking hours parenting," I mean taking care of the day-to-day stuff - basic needs, discipline, playing, reading, ABCs, etc...

Parenting (and marriage) goals feel harder than the others to narrow down to one measurable goal for the year. I could make a goal like "read to my kids for 20 minutes a day," and that'd be good. But that small thing would be part of a bigger-picture strategy. Every small goal that came to mind seemed insufficient. I wrote down a few. Having small goals for the year that contribute to the big picture overall was my intention at the outset. Keep it simple. Make goals that are measurable in order to reach the dreams that are long-term and maybe more abstract.  

But, again, parenting and marriage feel different. 

I like rules and lists and things that are simple and make sense. Abstract doesn't really do it for me. So, it is very reluctantly that I've made my 2015 parenting goal a little bit more abstract and less measurable. 

Be more engaged with my kids. 

How do you measure that? 

How do you bullet point that or break it down into one thing to do each year until the birdies leave?

You don't. 

The hyper-scheduling-color-coded-planner-loving-rule-making legalist within me is having a hard time with this. Maybe I should work on that?

Anyway, being more engaged with my kids overall is primarily a frame of mind that plays out practically in little things during the day to day.

The frame of mind is this: raising kids is what I've been called to do. Our kids have been given to us and entrusted to us. For a few short years, parents basically dictate everything. Ideally, after the first couple years, your kids gradually increase in freedom & decision making until they leave home (sometime around 18 or so). So for these first few years especially, engaged with and prioritizing my kids is the name of the game. My kids are not in my way of doing other things.

This concept has been really hard for me. I made the transition to full time stay at home mom when Addie was 8 months and we moved to Boston, and this whole "my kids aren't in my way" thing was (and still is sometimes) one of the hardest things for me to get. I had idealized mommy-hood. I thought I knew that it would be somewhat hard and tiring to be a stay at home mom, but I mostly figured it'd be fun. You know, pinterest crafts, library adventures, playing at the park, organizing and keeping things clean, prepping delicious meals, and whatever else I wanted to do.

Pinterest forgot to tell me that my toddler would de-shelve and dishevel any perfectly organized linen closet in seconds. Or that they actually don't care about playing with toys, they only want to be held and sitting at your feet every waking second. I didn't know I would lose all sense of personal space...I can't remember the last time I went to the bathroom unaccompanied by minors. I could go on, but here's what it comes down to - I didn't know what I wanted to do would take a back seat to my kids' needs.

If I plan to leave at 10:00 to meet a friend and her kids for the park, inevitably I go to wake my child from a nap at 9:50 only to find her covered in and eating her own poop, and so we're late. (true story) But it's okay; my friend was late too because they had tantrums and time-outs over which colored shoes to wear on the way out the door.

If I think we'll go grocery shopping one day, a kid wakes up sick and so we go to the doctor instead and eat PB & J for dinner.

Or, right when I sit down to write or rest or make a phone call during nap time, one of the girls wakes up early soaked through their diaper.

This type of stuff used to bug me.
Full disclosure - sometimes it still does. Though, less intensely and less frequently than it used to. #growth

But then a still small voice whispers - be present with them, these other tasks are not more important than them. Give them grace. Care for them gently and patiently. Pay attention to them. Give an extra hug. Sit down & do another puzzle.  

Don't get me wrong. They are not #1. We do not center our lives around our children, by any means. They wait their turns and are learning to do things for themselves as soon as possible. But, right now, they are 2 years and 10 months old. They have a lot of needs. Plus, my older one is super social. She craves interaction. And she craves momma.

This is really really hard for me.
I like to-do lists, leaving the house, and quiet time.
I like dreaming big dreams and seeing stuff get done.
Naturally, I'm a doer.
Being home with your kids all day can be borrrrrrrring. Let's just say, the intellectual stimulation of caring for small children is not the reason I stay home :)

But, it's what God has asked of me. He's asked me to lay down my priorities and give myself to my kids for a season. And chances are, He's asked you to step back from yourself and give to someone else too, even if you're not a stay at home mom. So let's be givers. Cheerful givers. Givers of self... who don't give begrudgingly, but whole-heartedly and generously.

I've rambled. Woops. There's a first for everything. (Haha - just kidding. Confessions of a verbal processor... I ramble a lot.)

And I didn't even get to the practical side of what 'be engaged with my kids' really looks like.
Next time.

Emma at 10 Months

At 10 months, Emma is an absolute doll. (Albeit, an increasingly feisty and opinionated doll...)
I think I'm enjoying my second child more than I did my first.
With the first, I had to think more about everything - what and when to feed, how to wean the bottle, how to introduce milk, when to have naps, when to transition down to two naps or down to one nap, whether a drippy nose was teething or a cold, whether her discomfort warranted ibuprofen, when to introduce a sippy cup, what toys she will want, why she might be having a short nap, and on and on and on.
It's not that I never think about those things, or don't care at all about Emma's sleep, it's just that all the little things come more naturally the second time around. And you know how fast they go by. So you enjoy it more.
Or at least I am.
I'm soaking up all her cuteness.

I notice her new expressions...

new discoveries

new gestures (she loves to show off the things she knows. "sooo big")

I stress less if she wakes up early from a nap, or early in the morning (although I still don't prefer it).

This month, she tried pizza for the first time and loved it. 

She also tried a swing.

Caught this goofy angle, and giant snot bubble. This photo made me laugh!

She likes to "Crawl" like this. Addie says "Emma is crawling silly. no emma, that's not crawling." She wants to walk but can't figure it out, so she resorts to crawling on her feet. But then it's not as fast, so she goes back to regular crawling. 

She is a girl on the go. Can't lay down to drink my bottle mom, i got places to go. 

We walked to the park on Easter. I put Emma on the slide to play. Before I knew it, she was halfway up. 

I thought I should go stand by her and support her. She seriously got all the way up by herself, though! Crazy!

Other 'firsts' and fun things this month... 

She hasn't totally figured out a sippy cup, but when she accidentally gets it right she likes it. 

Very interested in the toilet - Addie is potty training so we spend a lot of time on the potty. Whenever Emma gets the chance, she likes to dip her hands in. Gross. Amazingly, we haven't had any hands in poop or broken fingers from Addie "gently closing" the toilet seat. 

She loves her baths with Addie and plays by herself in a pack n play with a basket of toys for about 10-15 minutes most mornings. 

She just started opening and closing board books. 

She likes playing with a small ball, especially if it makes noise. 

She crawls with her head down if she wants to go really fast. 

She figured out going up stairs. 

She likes moving a door on its hinges and cries when it closes all the way and she can't get it back open. 

She is very proud of herself for clapping. 

Clapping also signals "more please." (The hand sign for 'more' is close to a clap.) 

She has a knack for finding the tiniest object on the floor and putting in her mouth. Off the top of my head, I have recently fished the following things out of her mouth/ throat : pom pom craft balls, penny, Addie's tiny pony tails, piece of 3 day old hotdog, paper. I think I need to vacuum more. 

Favorite foods: cheese, scrambled eggs, black beans, grapes (cut), blueberries (cut)

She started standing up solo this month, first letting go of whatever she pulled herself up on, and now sometimes she'll just stand. 

She likes to keep things in her mouth. If it falls out while she's crawling, she'll stop and put it back in and then keep going.

Though she doesn't seem to mind playing by herself and doing her own thing, she does seem to like her people. :) 

These cousins born 2 days apart are good buds :)

We love our Emma Catherine at 10 months. Hard to believe she'll be 1 soon.

Even the winter won't last forever

It is spring, people! Hallelujah. Kids are flying kites, it rains every other day, and we are taking chilly evening walks and playing at the park. Everyone in my house is glad about it. Especially these 2.

This is Addie's semi-nervous smile :)

Note: if you look closely you can spot a giant snot bubble. This girl has been dripping out of her nose for months!

One of my favorite songs this winter has been "Even the Winter," by Audrey Assad.

She sings - 

What if we find ourselves beneath the snow, our warmest words all frozen in our throats
And all we feel is left out in the cold, You and I?

What if the days grow short and lose their light? What if the coals burn black and the embers die?
And we can't find each other in the night? You and I
Do you ever feel like that? 

trapped beneath the snow

speechless, the words frozen in your throat

left out in the cold

darkness surrounds you when the days are short...

lost.

without hope. 

alone. 

It's winter. 

Some people even suffer from a depression related to winter - seasonal affective disorder, ironically abbreviated SAD. One solution would be to move to California, or Florida. Where it rarely dips below 50 and the sun is always shining. 

OR 

you could dig a little deeper, find something, or perhaps Someone, to hope in and know that spring is coming... 

Even the winter won't last forever
We'll see the morning, we'll feel the sun
We'll wake up in April, ready and able
Holding the seeds in the soil of our love

I have played this song countless times this winter, and every time I hear this line, I turn it up a little bit louder, and start singing. (Addie: "no mama sing. just the lady sing.") 

We'll wake up in April, ready and able.

It fills me with hope! Spring is coming. Your winter won't last forever.

And, guess what? 

It's April.

Spring is here, and the winter didn't last forever. (Unless you're in Boston, then you'll have to sing "We'll wake up in June, ready and able" ... which doesn't quite have the same ring... ) 

I love that she doesn't pull any punches. No fake it till you make it. No pretending, or putting on a smile. Because sometimes life feels too dark for pretending and putting on a smile. 

What if the ice we tread is just too thin? What if we can't escape the squall we're in?
What if our hearts of stone are permanent? You and I

But they're not... 

Even the winter won't last forever
We'll see the morning, we'll feel the sun
We'll wake up in April, ready and able
Holding the seeds in the soil of our love

This last part gets me every time. 

What if the spring comes soon, and we're surprised?
What if the seasons help us realize, some things are only proven over time? 

You know

Are you ever surprised by spring? 

Like, you know it's coming, and it still catches you off guard. 

By March, I've had it. Every single March we get some sort of taste of spring and then it plunges back into winter, and I swear I'll move to California. (As do most of my midwestern friends and readers I'm certain.) 

And almost like magic, April comes. the birds wake you up in the morning. Pink flowers start blooming on your trees. The days get a little longer. You finally feel safe putting away your knee length down parka and maybe even pulling out some open-toed shoes. You turn off your central heat, open the windows, and breathe a sigh of relief. 

Winter is over. 

Spring is here. 

It happens every year, and yet, in a way, it still seems surprising. 

(This is the point at which I declare I would never leave the midwest because I love the seasons.) 

And we remember - seasons change. 

Winter comes, but it doesn't last forever. Spring is on the other side.  

She ends the song singing...

Even the darkness cannot disarm us

We'll see the morning, we'll feel the sun
We'll break up the earth, 'cause we know that it's worth it
Sowing the seeds in the soil of our love

Sow the seeds of hope in soil of love, my friend. 

Winter is over. 

Spring is here.

Wake up! It's April. 

You are ready and able.

sleeping babies, hugs and other precious children things

Emma woke up early crying the other morning. I went in with a bottle and a fresh diaper.
Ben and I had just been talking about how she's not as snuggly as Addie was.
For some reason, we ended up not having a rocker or glider with Emma, and lately I've wished I had one for moments like this. We don't generally rock our babies all the way to sleep but I've wished sometimes I could just snuggle her up and rock with her.

So I went in.
She still seemed like she wanted to be sleeping.
Eyes only halfway open.
Moaning and squirming on the bed as I changed her. (She sleeps in a pack n play in a room that doubles as a guest room with a full bed in it.)

She chugged the bottle and then just stayed in my arms. So I popped her paci back in and leaned back on the bed, rolling her on to my chest.
She pushed herself up in 'plank' position using my chest as support.
She looked at me for a minute, and then gave in & nuzzled her head into my shoulder.
The room was quiet except the quiet white noise in the background and the sound of her vigorously sucking her paci.
I leaned back a little further and cozied her in.
Her breathing started to slow.
It became deeper.
And she was asleep.
On me.

I don't know if there is anything sweeter that a baby asleep on your chest.

The next day, she started giving 'hugs.'
Ben had taken the girls to jump on the bed while I finished up dinner. When I heard all the giggling and cuteness I had to sneak a peek, and I happened to catch this on video. (Keep an eye on Emma.)

These are our children.
These tiny little people who were created and grew inside my body and then came out into the world helpless and needing everything.
Given to us to care for.
And in a matter of months they know how to give hugs and talk.
And in just a few years, we're going to send them off into the world to be grown up people - working and producing and giving and loving people and the bulk of this whole little-people-raising job will be done.
Though some days feel long, the weeks and months and years are whizzing by.
No mom of adult children has EVER said to me "it goes really slow. Wish it away. The real fun starts when they're gone."
Nope - they all say "It goes fast. Cherish every moment."

Let's be honest - there are many moments I don't cherish. (Such as: all the puke and pee and poop clean up. Wiping up tiny pieces of food 5 times a day off the floor and the high chair and the children and the table. The timeouts and melt downs. The feeling of impatience boiling up in me and then the guilt later because I lost my cool. The 20 minute process of trying to get out the door to go to one place.)

But then, Emma falls asleep on me, or my toddler snuggles up on my shoulder while I read her stories, or I catch the aforementioned adorable-ness of my husband loving these girls so well and I soak it all in.
I treasure it and cherish them with all my big feelings and maybe even a few happy mommy tears.
Motherhood is truly the most precious and mind-blowing gift ever.

Emotionally yours,
Renee

p.s. Jen Hatmaker recently wrote an article about all the BIG FEELINGS that go along with motherhood. If you haven't seen it circulating, read it here. She hits the nail on the head!

When you feel helpless

It's been hard for me to write much the past few days because a few people close to me are walking through some very hard things. The parenting goals and budgeting tips are swirling around in my mind, but they won't come out.
My heart is heavy.
Weighed down by the pain others are experiencing.
Weighed down as I consider the feeling of complete helplessness.

Have you ever felt helpless?
Like, there's a situation you want to help, but you can't. There is nothing to do.
I'm a fixer. Not being able to help goes against every reaction I have in a hard situation.
In those moments when everything is out of your control,
when words aren't much comfort,
there is no solution to fix it,
no task that will really help,
I feel removed, and helpless.

There's been days like that lately. I'll receive news from a friend or a family member, and there is nothing to do or say.
Many days, it seems my prayers end at, "Oh Lord... you know..."
because that's all I can get out.
I have nothing else to offer except the faith to believe that the Holy Spirit is interceding on my behalf, praying for the people I love when I don't even have the words. (Rom 8:26-27)

But the truth is
While I may feel helpless, I am not without help. 
Our help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. (Psalm 121:2)
He is the Helper. "Surely God is my help, the one who sustains me," the psalmist cried out. (Psalm 54:4)

There's a comfort in that. In having a Helper. 

But then, I consider the feeling of complete hopelessness. 

I haven't felt hopeless in a long time, but I remember the feeling well. 

And I empathize with it in others. Hopelessness is blinding and crushing and defeating. It is very hard to see clearly or think straight when you are surrounded by dark, suffocating in despair.

And yet, the darker the night, the brighter even a small flicker of light seems.  

In the midst of the darkness and the helplessness and hopelessness, the God who created you and loves you whispers, "Hope in me. I am your rescuer. Just let go so I can pull you out of your muck and your mire. I am your refuge, I am your strength, I am your help. Do not be afraid. No matter what happens, I love you, I am with you." (Psalm 40, 46)

Though you feel hopeless, you are not without hope. 

There is no place you could be - no past or present too dark - that Jesus would not open the door and run in to rescue from you from the pit of despair you are in. 

And not just rescue, but redeem you, and save you, and hold you. He is the light of the world, radiantly beaming through the cloud of dark despair surrounding you.  

My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness,
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly trust in Jesus name.  (song here)

That is the hope I cling to.
Most things in life are not certain.
But, Jesus is.
He loves every person and is faithful to every promise.

In the moments following those silent, wordless, heart-crying-out prayers I mentioned earlier, the burden is lifted. I often experience a physical feeling of lightness. He said, "my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. Come to me you who are weary and heavy laden. I will give you rest." [I've always thought of this as figurative rest. But, maybe it's literal rest too. I've had some sleepless nights lately, and sometimes I just have to ask him to take the burden. Over and over until I fall asleep.]

No need to carry the burden by yourself, sweet child.
I can handle it, He says.
The weight of the sin of the world on his shoulders wasn't enough to hold him back from willingly enduring the cross.
And not just endure, but defeat and conquer.

And in the truth of the cross, and Jesus' resurrection (how timely to be considering these this week leading up to Easter), though I don't know where any situation will end up this side of heaven, I am sure of this:
Death is crushed to death and life is ours to live
bought with his precious blood.
This the power of the cross, son of God slain for us.
What a life, what a cost,
we stand forgiven at the cross. (song here)

Oh death, where is your victory?
Oh death, where is your sting?